Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
