every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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