but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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