My first STD was from a foam party
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
