So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
