Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
