Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
