Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
