i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
