not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
