Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
