party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My penis needs a shock collar
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
