Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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