I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
