About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
