Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
