There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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