woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
