I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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