Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
