Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
