I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
