it was like eating out sand paper
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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