I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
