Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
