I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
