T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
