Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
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He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
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In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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