There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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