Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I am mentally ready for anal.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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