I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
