I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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