Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
