I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
