I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
