I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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