Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
