I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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