I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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