He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
