At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
