Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
