My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
