Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
