Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
