I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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