i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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