My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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