I just saw a hot homeless man
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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