god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
