I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
