if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
