Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
