It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Im part way to drunk.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
